


A Matter of Life and Death... Sort of (according to Dean anyway)

by etoile_etiolee



Series: Lullaby Verse [2]
Category: Suprnatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Post Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 06:36:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoile_etiolee/pseuds/etoile_etiolee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story follows Hunter's Lullaby.  </p>
<p>A baby's first illness...</p>
<p>Disclaimer: Not mine.  No money made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Matter of Life and Death... Sort of (according to Dean anyway)

_Hampton Falls, September 3_

Sam Winchester was pacing back and forth in the kitchen, trying to get his baby daughter to calm down while her bottle of milk was heating on the stove. Sumiko was groaning and squirming, sucking on her pacifier almost angrily. For the last two weeks or so, she had started to sleep through the nights, from eleven o’clock until five in the morning, and she didn’t have a lot of patience when it came to her morning feeding. 

“Come on, almost ready, sweetie,” Sam rasped, stifling a yawn. He picked up speed, rocking Sumiko rhythmically in his arms as her little face got redder, nose scrunched up and eyes wide and shining with indignation. Seconds away from going into full crying mode.

Sam snatched the bottle from the pot of boiling water and tested the milk temperature on his wrist without loosening his grip on Sumiko –he was getting good at this multitasking thing, sometimes felt like his daughter was all but an extension of himself. 

“Okay, come on, grumpy,” he murmured with affection, walking to the living room to settle on the couch, not bothering about turning on the light. It was still dark outside, and if the howling of the wind against the window was of any indication, it would be cold today.

Sam pulled Sumiko’s pacifier from her mouth, smiling when it made a wet popping sound, and replaced it with the bottle’s silicone nipple. Sumiko latched on immediately and began to feed with determination, making those small swallowing noise as she breathed loudly through her nostrils. All of her attention seemed to focus on her father, eyes wide open never leaving Sam’s face. They were still that dark shade of blue so particular to young babies and it would be months yet before their definitive colour settled. However, little golden sparks had started showing in the iris and Sam would bet they were going to be as green as Dean’s, which wasn’t surprising given her resemblance to him. Hey, she had Sam’s dimples, he kept telling himself and anyway, she was perfect just the way she was.

At two months old, Sumiko was a healthy and energetic baby. She was still a lightweight but she was following a normal growth pattern, gaining weight and height regularly. Her hair kept growing in small, soft blond spikes. That and her big, expressive eyes gave her this funny and perpetually surprised look. She had smiled her first real smile ten days ago as they were bathing her, her small legs kicking in the water. It had been clearly directed toward Dean, even if he insisted on saying it had been for the both of them. Even now, more than eight weeks after her birth, Sumiko seemed closer to Dean. She would fall asleep quicker when he was the one holding her, would smile more easily at him and even seemed to sense when Dean was in a bad mood or worried about something. Maybe it was the curse, maybe it was simply how things were, since Dean had been the one to carry her for nine months. Sometimes, Sam felt a light pinch of jealousy but it never lasted for long. They were happy, life was sweeter than it had ever been and he felt peaceful and grateful for this chance life had apparently decided to give them. He and Dean were both taking care of Sumiko equally but Sam managed to spend some time alone with her on occasion to deepen their bond. Each night after her bath, he would give her a massage with camomile oil because he’d read that it was a good way to get a baby to relax and become more aware of her own body. During those times, Sumiko would stay very still, stretching her body and looking at Sam as if he was her whole world. There was no better sensation in the universe.

Sue made quick work of drinking her milk. She was quieter after that, looking dazed and drunk, eyelids heavy, eyes rolling in their sockets. Sam smiled and took her upstairs.

The guest room had been converted into a nursery with a changing table, an old rocking chair and a chest of drawers to store the baby clothes. She was still sleeping in their room, however, and Sam thought that neither he nor Dean were ready to even talk about this particular issue, and given their background, who could blame them?

Sam changed Sumiko’s diaper, speaking softly to her in the dim light of her night lamp. She made a face when the cold air hit her skin, then smiled as Sam gently cleaned her butt. “There, all clean, baby. Bet you feel better now, huh?”

Sumiko let out a small high-pitched noise as if she was answering him. According to Rania Suleiman, it was still early for her to start making noises. 

On her last appointment, Sam and Dean had wondered if she was getting enough sleep. Even now with the six hours she got through the night, she rarely napped for more than thirty minutes at a time during the day. She often seemed tired and irritable but cried her lungs out when Sam or Dean tried to put her to down to sleep. Rania had told them that Sue was ahead of her age on social and cognitive development and that often, babies like that were the curious, nervous type. They felt like they would miss something if they went to sleep and were so easily stimulated by their environment it was hard for them to get in the right state of mind to sleep.

Sam wasn’t sure if Dean had heard anything at all after the words ‘ahead of her age’. He’d been almost literally shining with pride, holding Sumiko tightly against his chest and grinning widely.

After her early morning bottle, however, Sumiko would usually sleep another hour or so as long as she wasn’t overly excited during her time awake. So Sam wrapped her in her blanket and settled in the rocking chair, humming under his breath while cradling her and getting half annoyed, half amused that the only song that came to him was an old Rolling Stones ballad, thanks to Dean. He saw Sumiko’s eyes closing as her small mouth went slack around the pacifier though he would wait another five minutes before taking her back to her crib. He never realised he was falling asleep too.

Sam jerked and his grip tightened around his daughter when he felt her being pulled away from him. He opened his eyes, blinking under the rising sunlight, recognising Dean who gave him a silent warning not to wake Sue up. Sam immediately relaxed and let her go.

“What time is it?” He asked quietly.

“T’s only six thirty; you’re not late,” Dean whispered, reading his mind. He tiptoed out of the room, holding Sumiko as if she was a time bomb.

Sam stirred and got up, feeling his joints pop as he unfolded himself. He was starting a new job that morning at a private college near Portsmouth, hired as a computer tech, thanks to Dean’s ever improving forging skills in false diplomas and recommendation letters. The pay was way better than at the book store, and Sam would work from eight to four every day, a schedule so normal it was almost scary.

When Sam had told Dean that he’d been thinking of finding a new job, Dean had agreed and helped, never once proclaiming, with his Almighty Big Brother tone, that he should be the one working. Sam had already known that Dean was far from ready to be away from Sue, even for a few hours a day, but he knew better than to express his thoughts aloud. 

Not that Sam was so eager to get out of the house –if he’d had the choice, he would have waited a few months, but then again, things were different for Dean. It all came back to that special connection Sam often felt between his brother and their daughter, but there was something else too. When Sumiko had been born, Dean had been more than eager to get back to who he was before, but he hadn’t completely reverted. He would never be that man again. Having Sumiko had definitely changed him, for the best, if Sam were to give his honest opinion. The need to be in control and take care of everything was less apparent, as if Dean could finally admit to himself that Sam was there to take care of him and Sumiko just as much as he was there for them. At 29 years old, it was more than time.

Sam got back downstairs and got the coffee machine ready. He was soon joined by Dean dressed in sweats and sneakers. His brother patted him on the back, his equivalent of a good morning kiss.

“M’gonna go for my run now.” 

“Yeah okay.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back in half an hour.”

A minute later, Sam watched through the kitchen window as Dean started to jog along the path leading to the woods beside their house. Since Sumiko’s birth, Dean had made a point of getting back in shape, and he was getting there. He ran every day and did some strength exercises to reinforce his muscles. He still was thinner than before the pregnancy but his health finally seemed to have improved to its previous level. This was reassuring for Dean, Sam could tell. He didn’t need his brother to say that he’d been scared about the consequences of the curse on a long-term basis to know Dean had been worried about it.

Sam took the baby monitor and headed to the bathroom to take a shower and make himself presentable for his first day at work.

::: :::

It was ten o’clock in the morning when Sam took a break to call home. He was settled in his office and had learned the basics of his new job, which wasn’t very complicated. He was responsible for the school network and internet connection and had to fix any computer problems as they occurred. The college was a small private preparatory school and the student body consisted of only a couple hundred students. How hard could it be?

Dean answered on the fourth ring but Sam could barely hear his voice over Sumiko’s very close, very loud cries. 

“Dean?”

“Yeah.”

“Is Sue alright?”

“Does she sound like she’s alright to you?” Dean asked with irritation. There was some shuffling noise, then a quiet whisper. “There, Sue. Is that better? Yeah…Okay.”

Sue’s sobs diminished in intensity and became hiccupping whimpers. 

“What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know. She’s just grumpy, I guess. She only took half of her nine o’clock milk bottle and she won’t stop crying.”

“Did you try-?”

“Dude, I’ve tried everything. The only time she stops screaming her lungs out is when I walk her through the house. She’s getting tired. She’ll feel better after a nap.”

Dean was trying for a relaxed attitude but there was this hint of worriedness perfectly recognizable in his voice. 

“Do you want me to come home?” Sam asked, knowing he had made a mistake as soon as the words came out.

“What? Why? I can take care of her.”

“I know that, I was just-”

“Gotta go, Sam.”

Dean hung up. A few minutes later, Sam was called to the computer lab for a connection problem and spent the next two hours working on it, barely having the time to think about Sumiko’s irritated mood. Then, when he was about to take his lunch break, he had another call from the administration department, as if all the freaking data systems had decided to bug on the first school day just to mess with him. He finally called back home around two in the afternoon while eating a dry vending machine sandwich.

“Sam what the hell?” Dean snarled, answering on the third ring. “I swear to god, if the phone had woken Sue up I woulda kicked your ass.”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to know if-”

“SHSH! Wait.”

Sam waited, perfectly silent and still, which was ridiculous, came to think of it. Dean returned a few seconds later, speaking at a normal level.

“What do you want?”

“How’s Sue?”

“I don’t know. She’s been crying on and off all morning and wouldn’t go to sleep no matter what. She left half of her milk bottle, again, when I fed her half an hour ago.”

“Oh.”

“Do you think she’s sick or something?” Dean asked, not even bothering to try and hide his worry this time.

“Well, she seemed fine this morning. Maybe it’s like you said, just a bad day.”

Dean sighed. “Yeah, maybe. Anyway she’s sleeping now.”

“I’ll be home at four thirty. Just call me back if anything happens.”

“Alright. “

::: :::

When Sam arrived home, head full of programing term and eyes burning from looking at computer screens too long, the house was a mess. He found Dean in the living room, standing and swaying back and forth in front of the TV which was on a sports channel playing what looked like a snooker game.

Dean had on the baby carrier, a simple piece of stretchy cloth made to be worn across the chest, going from one shoulder to the opposite hip and tied in the back. Sam had bought it soon after Sumiko had been born, had read somewhere that it facilitated the bond between child and parent. First time he had put it on Dean had laughed at him and had taken a snapshot with his cell, asking him if he had any idea how ridiculous he looked. 

Sam didn’t mock him for wearing it, not that day, not with the exasperation and tiredness tensing his brother’s features. He could hear Sumiko’s groans and small cries from where she was tucked tightly against Dean’s stomach, wrapped up in the bright yellow cloth piece with Dean’s arm supporting her butt.

“Not a word,” Dean warned. He walked to the TV, never pausing in his swaying, and shut it off.

“She won’t sleep. She woke up crying like… five minutes after you called. I tried everything. The only way she seems to quiet a bit is like this,” Dean explained, patting Sumiko’s bottom when she let out a whimper.

Sam got closer and took a look at Sue who seemed irritated and uncomfortable, wiggling against Dean and frowning. He bent down toward her. “What’s the matter, honey? Having a bad day? It’s because you missed me, is that it?”

He ignored Dean’s sarcastic huff and kissed Sumiko’s forehead, feeling the skin dry and hot on his lips.

“Hey, I think she has a fever.”

“What?”

“She’s kind of hot.”

“Well, she’s all wrapped up and pressed against me,” Dean said, sounding unsure.

“No, it’s not the same kind of warmness. At least I don’t think it is.”

Dean pressed the back of his hand to his daughter’s forehead. Almost immediately, a pink blush crawled up his face. “She wasn’t hot like this one hour ago. I would’ve taken her temperature if I thought…”

“Well, let’s do it now,” Sam said in the most soothing voice he could manage when he saw the distress in Dean’s eyes.

They managed to get Sumiko out of the carrier and Sam took her in his arms. She looked at him and made something that was a cross between a smile and a pout. Sam felt his heart swell at the sight.

“Hey, there, baby. You don’t feel well, is that it? We’re gonna try to fix that.”

“I’ll get the stuff,” Dean said in a nervous voice.

He was back in an instant, holding a small box. Sam knelt in front of the couch and nestles Sumiko against the cushions before starting to open her pajamas.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked.

“What are _you_ doing? Where’s the thermometer?”

“Well, I bought these the other day,” Dean explained, holding up a box to Sam. “They’re some kind of stickers that you put on the baby’s forehead and the temperature shows on them.”

Sam looked at the frog shaped stickers, unable to believe that Dean had actually bought that. The “making fun of my big manly brother” would have to wait, though. 

“Dean, the baby book says those are not as accurate as a real thermometer.”

“Well, the tympanic one won’t ever fit in her ear.”

“I know that. Besides, the most accurate way to take a baby’s temperature is with a classic thermometer, in her anus.”

“What?” Dean paled. Literally. Huffing, Sam got up.

“Undress her, I’m gonna get it.”

When he came back, thermometer in one hand, a Vaseline jar in the other, Dean hadn’t done anything. He was soothing Sue, rubbing her stomach.

“Dean.”

“I… you can’t put that in her… Well…”

“Anus?”

“You’ll hurt her. S’too big.”

“For Christ’s sake, Dean, move and let me do it if you can’t handle it.”

“But are you sure…”

Without another word, Sam moved Dean out of the way, determined to have the temperature finally taken. Sue let out a wail when the thermometer was inserted, accompanied by Dean’s hissing. He was sitting next to her, arm wrapped around her waist like he wanted to spare her the sight. 

“Aren’t you done?”

“We have to wait three minutes.”

“Jesus.”

“You never did this to me?”

“Sam, shut up,” Dean squeaked. 

Dean’s face was now a dark shade of red.

“Why are…Oh come on, Dean, not like that! Jesus, you have so many issues you’re drowning in them. No I mean, when I was a kid.”

“Hell no! When you were sick, dad would touch your head and say ‘he has a fever’ and that would be the end of it.”

“Okay, done.”

Sam read the thermometer while Dean dressed Sumiko. She had graduated from groans and whines to more emphatic cries and Dean rocked her against himself, eyes worried and maybe a little too shiny.

“One-hundred-and-two.”

“Really? Well, what are you waiting for? You gotta call Rania.” Dean replied as if Sam had been waiting there for the last ten minutes.

“Sometimes babies are sick, Dean. Maybe we should-“

“Stop being so condescending. I’m not an idiot. Call her, I’ll go get the Tylenol.”

Unfortunately, Rania’s voicemail announced to Sam that she would be out of town for a couple of days. He didn’t leave a message, not for a fever that had only just started. During the first month after Sue had been born, Dean had had a tendency to call her every time Sumiko made a new noise or cried for more than ten minutes. As delicately as she could put it, on their last appointment, the young woman had suggested that maybe it was time to find Sumiko a proper pediatrician because after all, she was a generalist, and even if Sumiko had all the proper (faux) papers, it was better to get her officially in the system as soon as possible.

Sam held Sumiko’s head as gently as he could while Dean gave her the proper dosage of Tylenol. It was only after that that he dared to tell him that Rania was unreachable. 

“What? But we’ve got like… five different numbers! Did you try them all?”

“She’s out of town, Dean, I’m not going to call her because Sue’s spiking a fever.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because it’s not urgent, and besides, it’s not like we can’t go to a regular doctor. We needed Rania when you were pregnant and we couldn’t just go see anyone. Listen, Dean. Sue’s a baby. Babies get sick. It’s probably just a small virus. Let’s wait and see if the Tylenol does her any good, and maybe try giving her another bottle.”

“Okay,” Dean hushed Sumiko in his arms as she went on crying, her small hands closed in tight fists. “Let’s do that. Think I should get her back in the carrier?”

“She’ll be too hot. We should leave her in her jumpsuit and use a cotton blanket.”

“Whatever you say.”

Sam warmed the milk, not even bothering to tell Dean that he should maybe take a breather, that he’d been alone with Sue all day long and that he looked tired. By the way Dean held Sue so securely in his arms, eyes fierce and protective, Sam knew too well that he didn’t stand a chance of convincing him. Sometimes being a parent wasn’t compatible with reason.

An old fragment of memory popped in Sam’s mind. Dean’s voice, when he had been a too serious, too thin little boy, talking on the phone. “Please, dad, you gotta come back, Sammy’s really sick and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.” Dean had been crying, and Sam remembered how bad he had felt and how scared he’d been to hear his big brother cry because Dean… Dean never cried. What had happened after that? Oh yeah. Dean breathing in a long breath and sniffing until he had said, holding back tears: “Okay. Yes. Yes, sir. M’sorry.”

Of course that was how the story went. That’s how every single story of Sam’s youth went, he thought with anger.

Dean succeed in getting Sue to take the bottle’s nipple and when she started to suck between hiccupping cries, the relief was visible all over his face. She drank four ounces before she started to blink and let go of the bottle, mouth slack and eyes already closing.

“Think I should wake her up? She didn’t have a lot to drink today,” Dean asked in that unsure new tone of his.

“No, I think she’s tired and she needs the sleep. Nobody’s hungry when they’re sick.”

Sam suggested putting Sue in her crib while they ate dinner since maybe that’s the only quiet time they would have that evening but didn’t insist when Dean looked at him as if he’d just lost his mind. He felt a pinch of guilt, thinking that maybe he was the one with a problem. Maybe he was taking this situation too lightly. He was concerned with Sue’s wellbeing, of course he was, but maybe not enough? So instead of making himself a sandwich and brewing some coffee, Sam sat near Dean on the couch. If Dean couldn’t eat, Sam wouldn’t. Which was stupid. He knew that, somewhere deep inside.

He kind of regretted not eating when Sue slept for two hours straight, even more when Dean started to loll and finally succumbed to sleep too. Sam uncovered Sumiko, leaving the blanket around her waist, and spent the time watching some TV on mute. 

Sumiko woke up with a jolt, startling him as he was getting this hypnotic feeling from staring at the TV’s bright colours for too long. Sam took her into his arms, hot little body wracked by constant shivers, and got out of the living room when he saw that Dean was still sleeping soundly. Sue wailed and pressed her face into the crook of Sam’s elbow as he climbed up the stairs, and he felt something sticky on his skin.

“Your nose is all stuffed up, isn’t it, baby?” He whispered when he saw clear liquid shining over Sumiko’s upper lip. “Maybe you caught cold. I think a bath would do you good, what do you say?”

Sumiko’s answer was a miserable grimace. There she was, shivering in Sam’s arms and looking at him so intensely, waiting for her dad to make everything better. Sam swallowed a lump in his throat and tried to sooth her.

“It’s okay, love, daddy’s here. I’ll take care of you. Don’t worry.”

Beforehand, Sam took Sumiko’s temperature once again to find out it had only cooled down to one hundred and one point six. He finished undressing her, quickly wrapping her small, shivering body in a towel before taking her into the bathroom. When he laid her in the small infant bathtub, she jerked violently and started to cry in earnest while Sam shushed her and gently let warm water drip on her skin and head. She really didn’t look well, not only feverish but like she was in pain. It was hard, seeing her like that. Sam bit his lips and soothed her with soft words and touches. She eventually stopped crying when her body got used to the water temperature and even smiled at Sam when she wiggled her left leg and it made a loud splashing noise in the water. 

Sam was so focused on his task he didn’t hear Dean walking into the bathroom until his brother kneeled next to him, their baby book in his hands. It was this small encyclopedia about child health Dean had found in a flee market –beaming with pride and mischief while teasing Sam about an essential book that had apparently escaped Sam’s nerdy radar.

“How is she doing?” Dean asked, running his fingers on Sumiko’s quivering belly.

“Not that good.”

“God, I hate seeing her like this,” Dean whispered in one of those still too rare admissions of his own feelings. “I just read in here that when a baby under three months old spikes a fever, he’s gotta be seen by a doctor no matter what’s causing it. We should take her to the hospital; we won’t find a proper pediatrician in a clinic at this time of the day.”

“Yeah. We should.”

Sumiko was then startled by her own high-pitched sneeze and began to cry again. Strange, how Dean made the exact same face when he sneezed. Genetics, Sam thought. He suddenly felt left behind, as if he was a spectator of some sort, looking in from the outside.

“Bless you baby. Looked like it hurt, huh?” Dean was saying with an utter tenderness that made his voice all broken and low. 

He took her in his arm, wrapping her quickly in her towel. “Your daddies’ are going to get you to a doctor,” he went on, leaving the bathroom, and Sam wondered if he could feel any cheaper thinking about his own selfish self just as Dean used the term “daddies” as he always did, like he wanted to make sure Sam knew he was as much Sue’s father as himself.

::: :::

The trip to Portsmouth General was quick and awkwardly quiet. Dean insisted on sitting in the back near Sumiko, bent over the baby seat like he wanted to protect his daughter from the whole world. Like it did with a lot of infants, riding in the car always had a soothing effect on Sumiko who stopped crying as soon as Sam turned the engine on. She whimpered from time to time but remained calm until they reached the emergency door.

The nurse at the entrance looked at them from behind her glassed-in office and was already shoving a form through the little slot even before they had reached her.

“We need to see a doctor, my daughter’s sick,” Dean said nevertheless, ignoring the papers to look directly in the nurse’s eyes.

“Yes, I know, sir,” the nurse answered as gently as possible. “The form only takes a couple of minutes to fill out and then we’ll be able to move on.”

Dean glared at her and went past her desk to move into the waiting room with Sumiko, leaving Sam to take the papers, feeling giant and stupid in front of the young professional woman.

“Sorry. He’s… kind of upset.”

“That’s no problem, sir. I get it. Still, I should warn you that we have a lot of people waiting tonight and only two doctors available. Maybe you should tell your husband-”

“Huh. No. He’s my brother.”

“Oh. Well. Anyway, maybe you should tell him that even though we try to see children and especially babies as soon as possible, there’s going to be some waiting to do.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, thinking how Dean would just love hearing that.

He filled out the form at the corner of the desk and returned it to the nurse before joining Dean in the waiting room.

The nurse hadn’t lied. The room was full –at least twenty people were sitting in the plastic chairs, shoulders pressed together in the narrow space of the room. Some of them were sleeping, others looked ill and exhausted. A little girl who couldn’t have been more than two was sleeping on her father’s chest, tear stains drying on her blotched cheeks.

Although there were a couple of seats left, Dean was standing up, leaning against the wall at the far end of the room, rocking the baby seat carrier back and forth and looking as if the place was full of monsters instead of poor, sick people.

Sam joined him and asked why he wasn’t sitting.

“Are you out of your mind? Those are sick people, all breathing the same damn air. We want her to get better, not worse.” Dean snarled.

Sumiko started crying again and there was no time to argue. Dean got her out of the carrier and started pacing back and forth with her, rocking her gently in his arms and keeping away from the other people. After ten minutes, when Sumiko showed no sign of calming down, Sam took his turn, and even though during the first few minutes the change of arms seemed to do some good, soon enough Sumiko was screaming her lungs out again, face congested and clear snot dropping off her nose. She spit her pacifier out each time Sam attempted to give it to her, only crying harder. As the minutes went by like small portions of eternity, Dean’s expression went from irritated and worried to pissed and worried. Sam knew he was seconds away from snapping.

“Dean, why don’t you get out of here for a couples of minutes, take a breather. I got her.”

“She’s in pain,” Dean whispered at him, and it sounded like a yell. “She’s freaking two months old and she’s in pain. Why can’t they just….”

“I told you, there’s only two doctors and—”

“T’s’not my problem.”

“It’s not a matter of life and death, Dean.”

Sam tucked Sue against his chest, trying for a different position, not noticing Dean’s reaction to his last sentence. When he looked back at him, Dean’s eyes were wide and dark, his face almost as red as Sue’s.

“And how would you know that?” He asked very slowly.

“It’s a fever, Dean. Most probably a cold, and-”

“Oh, and that’s your diagnosis, doctor? I’ve read all the shit you brought back from the book store and then some. This could be anything, there’s no way to know. Every infection starts with a fever and…” Dean’s voice had risen progressively and he was almost yelling when he realised it and stopped talking all together. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and took a deep breath.

“Enough,” he said, walking quickly past Sam.

He was left there with a screaming baby, the whole room looking back at him.

“Damn it,” he whispered, and followed Dean’s angry voice.

“… No, you listen to me. That’s my daughter and she’s sick and she needs a doctor now!”

“I can make a call if you’d like but we had an ambulance come in five minutes ago so I don’t think it’ll change anything.” The nurse answered, looking clearly less calm than before and probably thanking god for her plexiglass protection.

“What is wrong with you people?” Dean yelled. 

“Dean.”

“Can’t fucking believe it. Well you know what? I’ll go find a doctor myself and I swear to god…”

“Dean, stop it, you’re upsetting her,” Sam warned in the coldest voice he could manage, speaking loud enough to cover Sue’s cries.

Dean froze on the spot and looked at Sumiko as if he had temporarily forgotten about her. The nurse behind him was speaking on the phone nervously, which wasn’t a good sign, not at all. Sam could already picture some security guard being called for help, and…

“Please don’t," he said in a hurry, getting closer to the desk. "I’ll get my brother to calm down just…”

“What seems to be the matter here?” A woman’s voice asked out of nowhere.

Sam turned on his heels to find himself face to face with a middle aged woman who was practically as tall as him, but way more slender. She was wearing a used kind-of-white doctor’s coat and had a strange face: grey short hair spiking in messy strands on her head, a very long nose and a wide mouth with prominent front teeth.

_A rabbit, Sam though. No, better, a horse._ Still, there was this kindness in the woman’s eyes which rendered her ugliness somewhat fascinating.

Her name tag told Sam that she was Dr. Margaret Lenner, pediatrician. Dean must have noticed too because he literally snatched Sumiko out of Sam’s arms.

“She won’t stop crying. She has a fever. She’s only two months old,” he stated in an almost pleading tone.

“Well let’s take a look at her.”

“Sorry for bothering you, Dr Lenner,” the nurse managed to say in the general commotion, "but we’re kind of short-handed and I knew you hadn’t left the hospital yet."

“No, that’s alright, Ginny. Just make sure the paper work is done correctly. Don’t want those ER docs to say I don’t know my place. You know how they are. We’ll be in exam room seven.”

She turned toward Dean, who was looking at her like she was some angelic apparition. “Follow me, sir.”

Sam mouthed a silent “thank you” to the nurse and followed along behind. Dr Lenner was chatting calmly with Dean over Sumiko’s hiccupping wails.

“She’s crying as much from exhaustion as anything else,” she said, so reasonable it was impossible not to believe her. “Poor thing. Her name is…” She looked down at the form Sam had filled out earlier. “Sumiko. Is she a Sue?”

“Yeah,” Dean whispered, still looking kind of surprised by this turn of events.

Dr. Lenner pushed the door of the exam room, turning on the light. There was an examination table covered with a paper sheet which she pointed at.

“Undress her, please. Just leave the diaper on.”

Dean nodded and made quick work of pulling Sumiko out of her pajama and jumpsuit. She looked shocked when the cold air hit her skin, but she clearly didn’t have the strength to protest anymore and just kept crying softly. Dean covered her with her blanket, waiting for the doctor to be ready, while Sam gently ran his finger through her soft hair.

When Sam saw that Dean had no intention of letting Sue go, he gave Dr Lenner some space as she began the exam. Sam was left standing nearby, being the voice of reason that answered all the questions with precise, succinct information.

The most unpleasant part was when the woman looked into Sumiko’s ears with her otoscope. Dean had to hold her head firmly while Sumiko fought feebly to escape his grip. He was biting his lips hard, a thing he did whenever he tried to remain in control of his emotions.

“There, all done darling, I’m sorry,” Margaret Lenner said in a soft voice. “You can get her dressed.”

Dean didn’t make a move and kept looking at the doctor with confusion written all over his face. Sam took the matter in his own hands and started to snap back Sumiko’s jumpsuit.

“What is it?” Dean asked finally as the woman scribbled something on a pad, turning her back to them. “What’s wrong with her?”

“It’s an ear infection, Mr. Winchester.”

“What?” Dean asked in disbelief. “But I… I thought…”

“The right ear is the most infected one and there’s some pus pushing against the eardrum. It’s really painful, especially when it happens to babies this young. The left ear has only started. There’s some redness and swelling but nothing more.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I wrote her a prescription for some ear drops, but since she’s only eight weeks old, I added an oral antibiotic as well. Penicillin. The good old banana flavored syrup. Now, I’m gonna have her first dose administrated here, and give her a dose of ibuprofen as well. You know you can give it alternately with the Tylenol, right? Sometimes Advil works better for the pain when there’s inflammation. I’ve written you a schedule to follow for the first two days. That’s how long it will take before the antibiotics really start to work.”

“And then she’ll be alright? Sam asked.

“Oh. Yes. Her lungs are clear, her throat is too. There’s nothing else wrong except her ears. Symptoms fit with her nose running clear and her loss of appetite. When you swallow, see, there’s this whole set of muscles that move up to the ears. It must’ve hurt each time she tried to swallow.”

Margaret Lenner smiled her long-toothed smiled and patted Dean’s hand. “She’ll be fine, don’t worry. Ear infection is a very common illness. However, when the antibiotics are finished in ten days you’ll need to have a doctor look at her, be sure everything’s gone.”

“Speaking of that,” Sam said. “We were actually looking for a pediatrician for her. Would you…”

“Yes, of course. I’ll have my secretary call you tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment.”

She held out her hand to Dean who shook it firmly, then patted Sam’s arm, since he was busy with Sumiko. 

“We’re sorry about keeping you here past your shift. Guess we were a bit emotional over her,” Sam felt he had to say.

The doctor winked at him. “Hey, I’m a pediatrician. My day is not complete if I haven’t dealt with at least a couple of hysterical new parents. Don’t leave yet, a nurse is going to come with the first med dose.”

She waved and exited the room. Dean lowered his eyes, cheeks a deep shade of pink. “Not a word, Sam.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Sam answered seriously.

There was a pharmacy located in the basement of the hospital. By the time Sam and Dean made their way there, Sumiko was already half asleep in her baby seat, a mixture of exhaustion and the ibuprofen that had started working. They got the prescription filled and headed back home, both of them lost in their own silence. Once there, Dean took Sumiko into their room and put her in her crib without her doing much more than groan in her sleep. Sam remained on the threshold of the room, waiting for Dean to be done. His brother stayed bent over the crib for a couple of minutes, looking intently at their sleeping daughter as she hiccupped from time to time in her sleep.

“She’s gonna be fine,” Sam finally said.

Dean nodded, then announced he was going to take a shower. Sam took this time to heat some leftovers and make coffee. They ate at the kitchen counter, Dean barely touching his meal, and took their coffee in the living room. 

“Alright,” Dean said when the silence apparently became too much for him. “Come on, let me have it.”

He was sprawled on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, doing his best not to look at Sam.

“I don’t-”

“Aw, come on, Sammy. You’re all broody and shit. Go on. Tell me that I made a fool of myself at the ER.”

“I don’t give a damn about that, Dean.”

Sam wasn’t angry, not really. Just worried, about Sumiko, yes, but about Dean as well. 

“S’just… Dean, you can’t act like that. Not anymore.”

“Why? I can’t get a doctor to take a look at our sick daughter?”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

“Well, what the hell do you mean, Sam?” Dean snapped, raising his voice, “because I’m pretty sure we would still be there waiting if I hadn’t said anything.”

“You were lucky the nurse didn’t call security and have you thrown out, Dean! What would you have done then? Start throwing punches?”

Dean frowned stubbornly but said nothing.

“I mean it, Dean. They would have asked you to calm down, which you most probably wouldn’t have done, and then maybe someone would’ve called the police, taken you in, even if only for a couple of hours, and that would have brought a bunch of attention to us. And then what? After a couple verifications, they would have maybe made the link between you and that other Dean Winchester, FBI wanted, who died two years ago.” 

“Sam, this is so far-fetched.”

“Maybe. Maybe it is, maybe not. Or, well, what if some hospital social worker had been called to make sure Sue was being properly cared for. Because I’m pretty sure a clever one would find our life all kinds of suspicious, and if they dug around enough, they’d be able to find out that Sumiko’s mother doesn’t even exist.”

“I need a drink,” Dean announced abruptly, disappearing into the kitchen.

He hardly ever drank anymore – a beer from time to time at the most, but they did kept a bottle of whisky in the kitchen – old habits die hard. Sam waited, trying to put his thoughts in order. He didn’t want to fight. Not tonight.

“Tell me,” Dean asked, coming back with his drink and leaning against the fireplace. “What is your freaking point in all this?”

“My point? Dean, my point is there was no way to tell what the consequences of your little fit back there would be. We were lucky enough to have the nurse trying to help us instead of calling for security, but it won’t always go that smoothly. We’re not hunters anymore Dean, for now, at least. We’re parents and we owe it to Sumiko to do whatever we can to keep her safe, with us. And that means following the rules. Keeping a low profile.”

“And watching Sue suffer without doing anything?”

“We weren’t doing nothing. We barely waited half an hour before you snapped. She wasn’t the only sick kid in the E.R, in case you hadn’t noticed. And I’m glad, trust me, I’m glad she was seen so quickly but that was not the way to do things. Those other kids needed a doctor too, you know.”

“I don’t care about the other kids, Sam. It’s just…”

Dean downed his whisky and shrugged. “I don’t know. I just… Couldn’t stand it. Seeing her like that,” he added in an almost inaudible voice.

“It was hard for me too.”

“Yeah, I know. But apparently you’re better than me at keeping it together.”

“Well, you didn’t give me the choice.”

“I… fuck, Sam. If anything were to happen to her I don’t think I could-“

Dean made a dismissive hand gesture and turned his back to Sam, looking out the window. 

“Dean. Nothing’s gonna happen to her.” Sam said quietly.

“That, right there, is the stupidest thing you ever said. Given our damn history, how can you say a thing like that?” Dean replied in a sharp voice.

“Well, we can’t live in the past. All we can do now is the best we can and I think we’re doing a damn good job at it.”

“Past is never just the past,” Dean mumbled.

“What?”

“It’s… Never mind.”

“Dean, talk to me, damn it!”

Dean shrugged, still keeping his back to Sam. When he started talking, it was in a very low, very quiet voice.

“When we were… After mom died and everything went to hell… I don’t really remember the first few months, don’t like thinking about it either. Still, I do remember thinking that mom had vanished and dad wasn’t dad anymore and there you were… I was so damn scared that something would happen to you, something like what happened that night in Lawrence. Dad used to tell me all the time that you were just a baby, fragile and defenceless. It was… sometimes I couldn’t even breath, thinking about it and…”

“Dad shouldn’t have-”

“No.” Dean turned to face Sam, looking him right in the eyes. “It wasn’t what dad said to me, or maybe it was just a little. In my four year old head, if mom had disappeared, the same thing could happen to you. It never occurred to me to think the same about dad because, in my eyes, he was a giant, a freaking giant that nothing could ever destroy. But you, anything could’ve happened to you. I remember thinking that maybe one day I would blink and you wouldn’t be there anymore.”

“Dean.”

“Oh god, there’s that Dr. Phil’s voice again,” Dean rolled his eyes, trying for derision but failing miserably. “It’s no big deal, Sam. I was a fucked-up little kid. Grew up and it got better.”

“And now, is it still better?”

“Of course it isn’t! Ever since Sue’s birth, all of this is coming back to me, hitting me like… full force. This is so screwed up… I didn’t even remember feeling like this as a kid. And it all gets mixed up and it’s worst because Sumiko’s my daughter. And she’s a part of you as well and sometimes just trying to think about what could happen to her I… Fuck, forget it. M’just tired.”

“I’m there for her too. You know that, right?”

Dean smiled. “’Course I know.”

He walked toward the couch and sat next to Sam, thighs brushing together. “You’re right, about tonight. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did back at the hospital. I could’ve made things worse. Fuck, Sam, all I know is to fight for what we need. That’s all I’ve ever known.”

“It’s a learning process, I guess. For the both of us.”

“How is it that you’re always so damn reasonable? You’re supposed to be the giant girl, remember?”

Sam snorted at that and put his arm around Dean’s shoulders. His brother grunted something in protest but didn’t move.

“I suck at this.” Dean murmured after a moment of almost comfortable silence.

“At what?”

“This whole being a father thing. I’m…”

“Don’t say that. It’s not true. You know it isn’t.”

Dean shrugged. “Just want her to be alright, ya know? Safe.”

“Yeah. Me too. All parents wish for the same thing, I guess.”

Sam wrapped his fingers tighter around Dean’s arm, feeling it was time to switch to a less serious subject. “So, you bought little froggie-shaped temperature stickers behind my back?”

“Shut up,” Dean muttered. “T’was during a diaper run. I thought they might come in handy. Besides, I’m not the one with the pink dress obsession.”

“It was one! And she was cute. Sue would’ve looked adorable in it. And do I have to remind you of the little teddy bear with _heart shaped eyes._ ”

Dean actually blushed at that, making Sam grin like a fool.

“We’re turning into soccer moms, Sam.”

“So what?”

Dean yawned. Sam could feel his body relaxing slowly next to his. “Don’t let me fall asleep. Wanna be there when she wakes up for her next feeding.” He mumbled, already drifting away.

“Okay, mother bear.”

“Mamma bear is gonna kick your ass. Later.” Dean slurred.

Sam let him sleep, of course he did, because he was awesome that way. The baby monitor was on the coffee table and he could see the red dots flashing as Sumiko shifted and sighed in her sleep.

He felt once again the weight of the whole world resting on his shoulders, not a future supernatural war dependant on him going dark side or not. No, this weight was much more heavy and personal but he wouldn’t drop it for anything in the world. Dean and Sue. His family. And he knew, at this instant, that he would never feel like the little brother again.

 

Fin


End file.
